"I've disappeared from myself
and my attributes.
I am present only for you." ~ Rumi
I was blessed, and gifted with silence.
There was no communication for two months between my two hemispheres in my
brain; only my right brain was functioning, which had presented me with a great
deal of peace and bliss.
I had a swollen left hemisphere, and as a result I had no
capability to talk, walk (being paralyzed on the right side), speak, or process anything. I was told that my symptoms
were very similar to a stroke, and after many months of rehab I felt that there
were plenty of reasons why I couldn't say anything at all.
In all of my efforts
to speak in the hospitals, my peeps tried to understand me, with all my needs
and wants, unfortunately, they didn't know who I was anymore. How could they know me when I had chosen to live more than 12 hours away, and I had lost valuable
communication with them after being gone for more than 18 years?
They did know, however, that I am a vegetarian who loves yoga, as well as my love to help others, and that I am always changing my mind and my ideals. It was my mother who once told me back when I was a teenager, "Just go and save a tree, Coral-Lei," so I did, in my own way. She knew me, and my heart.
After many years of disassociating myself from the family, it became all about me, dictating to them who I thought I was. Strangely enough, my silence was unconsciously born, but still was from choice; I felt safer by them not knowing much about me.
After my brain virus, silence started to become very comfortable
for me, and I quickly lost all confidence and compassion to talk, and be heard
about what I really needed, hated, loved, and especially wanted. It felt like
assumptions had got the better of me.
To be able to speak again became my
main priority after weeks of resisting it so immaturely, and speech
had proven to be the hardest rehab of them all; it was mentally and physically
draining. Frustration, and bursts of silent anger took me deep within to
hide what I thought they did not want to see, or hear. "I was so strong
before my wounded-ness, why would I be any different now?” as thoughts about
my family raced in my head, with the left brain now healing too quickly for my
liking. I was vulnerable to the actions of others with no ability to
communicate. "This must be how an infant would feel", I thought a year later; helpless in the hands of
many.
When the bliss wore off, my reality came crashing down, "Hello left brain, I know you
well." My people knew me as one way, and they seemed to talk about that often,
and so, it feels as if they recreated me, so to speak. What they knew of me to
be, changed inside. Some say that you can be whoever you want to be, however;
the influence of family, friends, or even associates are very powerful. I often
wonder if I wasn't told anything about who I was before, if that would change
who I am today?
The flow of my right brain allowed only for
an emotional response, with no judgment, just simple observation, with a calm
curiosity. I was mesmerized with what I was observing. With watching my family
and friends communicate with one another by expressing themselves in a way that
only I could see, and feel, was very enlightening. I witnessed their
inner dialogue continuously, and that interested me as an observer, not as a
judge.
As my left brain came back into play from
this massive inflammation to my left frontal lobe decreasing in size,
I now felt fear. Almost two months later, my peace and bliss went away,
silently.
Life can be made up of continuous on and off
sufferings with only a glimpse of peace and bliss. What does it take
to experience this kind of happiness? Why do we create stories that seem to
keep us away from the truth, and feed our illusions? Are these stories, or
lies, if you will, what creates our perception? I believe it is.
These stories reverberate incessantly with
no mind training, but I have had an insight of this peace and bliss. All I have
to do now is shut off my thoughts, but how do I do that without the help of the knife? I only know this because when my left brain was silenced with
inflammation, with no thoughts, that's when I achieved my quiet mind.
Most people realize the value of the breath
with its calming effects to the body and mind, however; the daily practice becomes too daunting for many. Perceptions about meditation come from our judgments,
such as; no time, hence too much going on, as well as thinking that meditation is just another religion. How do we STOP this useless thinking?
My awareness of the ongoing influences from
outside energies, and how I have become a slave to my story, my thoughts,
my mind, have me dedicated to meditation; creating silence everyday, as often as I
can.
“Life is NOT about finding yourself. Life IS
about Creating YourSelf”, which is a quote by George Bernard Shaw.
If you have been blessed with the gift of
life, and/ or have found a way to remain in a state of peace and bliss,
you are a minority in this world. If you have found a way to
create this silence, then perhaps you may feel obligated to share with
others that continue to suffer. If you don't trust, or have faith that people will wake up on their own time, then
it is mandatory for your own peace to remain connected to the Oneness, and let
go, and let God. Creation is everywhere. Be connected to yourSelf, knowing that you are very powerful, and the creation will speak to you through your actions. Being can be as simple as doing nothing.
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